This sharing is for anyone who has experienced loss and for anyone who may want to understand loss and grief on a deeper level.
This is my personal journey with loss and grief and what it has taught, and continues to teach me.
Last night I cried from the depth of my stomach, feeling empty of air and hyperventilating in the kitchen, as I put the kettle on. The kettle is my go to if I don’t know what to do but feel the need to still keep moving. Whether the tea gets drunk or not, is not the point. Something is comforted within me when that kettle starts boiling. The thought of a steamy, hot cup of tea in my hands grounds me.
I could feel my hands tingling as I held onto the kitchen bench, trying to breathe through it. The quick and sharp inhales and exhales flooded my body with oxygen, making me feel more and more dizzy. I put my head down in my hands.
My partner soon came and guided me to the couch, holding my stomach as we walked. I felt soft and weak, like I’d drop on the floor if he let go. I knew this state very well and I also knew, that even though the storm was hitting me hard, I was going to be alright.
It’s been just over 2.5 yrs since my brother passed away very suddenly. I think about him every day, but life moves me where I need to go and sometimes I forget. I want to forget I think, because the memory of the day he passed and him not being here, feels too painful.
He was young, only 38 and had a young son of 6 yrs at the time it happened. My brother died at home and my father tried to resuscitate him.
When I got the call, I was an hour away working at a school for the morning. I called a friend to guide me home safely in the car.
When I finally arrived at my brothers house, I remember seeing him on the floor. My father was there and my nephew was taken to a nearby playground by my ex-partner. The police had arrived to investigate the scene, which is standard procedure, and the two officers were getting ready to hold me back from his body. They didn’t need to. I sat gently on the floor next to him and spoke Danish.
It was clear and resolute in that moment. I spoke, knowing that the energy of him was still present in the room, with me and dad. I remember looking at his body and knowing that it wasn’t him. There was clarity in that moment, complete clarity on what was going on.
The police officers told us they had never met such a calm family before, considering the unbearable circumstances.
As I sit here writing, I wonder what you are imagining. Maybe you too have lost someone and have started to remember what it was like.
I dealt with my grief in a few different ways and I find that my tools are forever changing as the waves of grief hit at different times in my life. Right now, writing and sharing is my tool.
In the very beginning, my dad and I would have a few strong drinks throughout the day, especially before bed. There was no rest in the mind and in the heart and the only thing that could numb the intensity of despair, disbelief and trauma, was rum. But we’d still have to wake up every morning and face reality all over again. It was a recurring nightmare.
I am not and never was a big drinker, but I knew that this was the only way through this. I knew it was temporary, but I wasn’t going to time myself or feel guilty for my actions. I needed to do, what I needed to.
Food is another one, but I feel that guilt tripping myself makes matters worse. So when I do find myself grieving and reaching for that extra cookie or whatever, I give myself a break and just myself enjoy that little piece of something to hold on to. But as with the drinking at the time, I remind myself that it’s only temporary. It’s not something to get used to.
My ex-partner at the time was unable to fully sit with me in that grief, but I don’t blame him. Grief and trauma especially is a hard one to sit with. Unfortunately at the time, I also felt like my grief was ‘too much’, so having a partner that mirrored that feeling was a big lesson in how I was viewing myself through the experience. I think this disabled my deeper sharing, so that’s why I am sharing some of my story now, a few years down the road.
Grief is intangible, so I think the mind wants to make it tangible, to make some sense of it. In my experience, the journey of grieving works its way through as tangible experiences, hence why I would share drinks with my dad for many weeks after the event. You can’t always explain why you do what you do when going through grief, that’s why you’ll hear many say that everyone experiences grief so differently. You just have to go with it.
The body has ways to work through these events and it doesn’t always make sense. About 8 months after my brother passed, my body shook for two days straight. The trauma was releasing physically and I literally couldn’t hold my head up. This was the breaking point for me where I realised that I needed to make some big changes in my life in order to move forward.
Everything I knew was melting away. My brother was gone, my old relationship ended and the neighbour was showing interest in buying my house. I felt sick and seriously ungrounded.
Unable to live at home and take care of myself, I lived with two dear friends for a couple of weeks. They graciously took me in, fed me and allowed me to do exactly what I needed to do. Having them, that space to grieve, sleep, cry, laugh, share and just be, was the start of the journey back to myself, but I still needed something. I was looking for signs from the Universe on how to move forward. I was getting desperate.
One night I had a dream about an Indian Swami. He was beautiful and had gorgeous female features. He was poised in the traditional swami posture, gentle and smiling with big blue eyes, red dreadlocks and porcelain skin. I took this as my sign. I needed to go to India.
11 months into my brother's passing, I was on a plane to India on my own to stay at an Ashram for two weeks. I felt that this was my only option to get through this experience. I needed to follow my heart on this one and allow myself to trust deeply.
Visiting the ashram was the absolute best thing I could have done for my soul at the time. There is so much more to this story that adds to the serendipitous events in life, but that will have to be another post :)
Visiting the ashram allowed myself to be whatever I needed to be and explore my feelings in a different way. Even though it was daunting (and sometimes scary) to be around strangers in a completely foreign place, something eased in me, knowing that no-one knew me. It gave me a new perspective.
I didn’t feel like I was running away from my challenges, I actually felt like I was facing them more than I ever could have done at home in my usual surroundings.
I remember coming home after my two week trip and my friend Charlie saying ‘ You look like you again’.
How to move through grief
Express yourself
Expression is a big key in moving the grief. I am not saying it’s easy, but a few little, gentle steps can go a long way. You can choose what feels right for you and you can even alternate between things as you go along. Some days you might not do any of it. That’s okay.
Talking
Try to let your loved ones in as best you can. Let them know that maybe you won’t always be able to even talk about it, but even just their presence is helpful. Many people don’t know what to say in these situations, not realising that them just being present, is the largest gift they could possibly give.
You can also find a professional you can share your deepest feelings with - they are trained to hold the space. Usually there are mental health plans put in place for exactly these reasons.
Online groups or even groups that meet up are an option, so there are so many different ways to gently start sharing your voice with others in a community setting. This way you are not only sharing, you are also listening to others who have had a similar experience. You are helping them by holding space for them, which is a beautiful way forward in healing - if you have the capacity for it ofcourse.
My father said to me ‘Don’t tell people you are okay if you are not. They will believe you’. So since hearing that from my dad, I try to make a conscious effort in being more real about how I feel.
Writing
If talking is too much, writing can be a powerful tool. Writing for yourself, writing letters to your lost loved one or just allowing yourself to fully express what needs to be expressed even though the words may not make sense. It doesn’t matter.
Gratitude Journaling may sound very abstract in the height of grieving, but for me, it was a life saver after my brother passed.
I recently cleared out a cupboard and found my old gratitude journal from 2018, after my brother passed.
I needed to see the light. I was hungry for it. I needed a place where I could just write some things down that made me feel safe when everything else felt so uncertain and horrible.
The aim wasn’t to feel grateful, I knew that was impossible at the time, but the idea was to find comfort in tangible things. In my gratitude journal I would put down things like good coffee, walking in nature, having a soft pillow, having my dad etc.
I wasn’t forcing myself out of my grieving experience, I was reminding myself to see goodness in the things around me - right now.
Go for a drive
My car was my ‘safe place’. I could drive anywhere and know that in my car, I could cry and scream as much as I needed to.
When I felt like everything was too much, I would drive somewhere in nature, park up and just let myself go.
I would put on some music that would help evoke certain feelings and emotions and I would use that energy to let everything out. No judgement - just humanness.
Reading
Reading blogs and books was and still is a huge part of my life. Books have helped me understand more deeply what I am experiencing and that I am not alone. The same goes for blogs and reading other people’s stories.
I didn’t feel alone in my chaos.
Sitting down with a good book that relates to your experience, can help explain things from different angles and allows yourself to breathe for a moment.
Other ideas
Expression has many languages. It’s mental and it’s physical. Here are a few more ideas that you may be drawn to:
Bushwalks, nature, hikes, ocean
Painting, drawing, sculpting, creating music
Volunteering
If someone you know is grieving
Hold The Space
If you have someone in your life who’s going through loss and grief, know that grief is a personal experience and it can’t always be shared with words. Sometimes silence is stronger. To ‘just sit’ with your loved one through the rough patches, can be very powerful.
Allow for your friend or loved one to express their grief in your presence. Think of it as them inviting you in to witness a deep part of their soul. Inevitably it builds trust, a stronger bond and hope for the future.
Don’t judge - Just be.
The different ways to express can be suggested as well, but try not to problem solve. Be gentle and tune in to what your loved one needs from you right now.
Back to Now
I still very much have my days where I just want to cry. Sometimes it’s a build up and sometimes it comes on quite rapid. There’s no telling as it can depend on many things.
I also have days where I can channel the grief into seeing the deeper beauty in things, the sacredness in life, like an amplification of the senses and my surroundings.
I do believe in my heart that we are eternal, but I still miss my loved ones who have passed over. It’s a part of this human experience and if anything, it’s taught me how deeply I can love.
There is so much love there.
So back to last night, there I was on the couch, feeling frozen with my partner. My partner was fully present, holding me, not needing to fix me. We sat in silence for a while, my head in my hands.
As I came to, I looked at the floor where my daughters colourful toys were laying. She’s only 4.5 months old and she’s going through the most beautiful growths every day. I enjoy her so very very much.
I saw her toys. Her toothless smile in my mind. I thought of her safe in bed. Warm.
“I have a daughter. I have a beautiful daughter”.
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