I have been a single mum for just over a year now, and even though I can appreciate and acknowledge that I have, for the most part, some kind of balance with things where I am now, I still haven’t got it all figured out. I am not going to claim that I have it all together, because I don’t.
I have a new man in my life, my daughter is thriving in both kindergarten and daycare, and I am juggling work, study and keeping check on my mental, physical and emotional health. I am definitely at a much better place than I was a short year ago, when it was all about survival and stepping out on my own two feet with a toddler in tow.
Image: Painting is one of my creative outlets.
While some days are peachy and I feel like I have energy for everything and for everyone, some days are just plain rubbish. The hardest thing is to allow for the exploration of what’s surfacing emotionally, and to go gently in that space of sometimes extreme discomfort, all while the jobs and requirements list seems endless, whilst being really kind to myself in the process.
And some days, I don’t choose to explore what’s coming up, because some days are just proper rubbish, and that’s that. Sometimes we won’t ever know the in’s and out’s of the ‘why’ we feel the way we do, but certain observations can certainly help.
That’s when it can be important to move out of the head (the mind) and back into the body (the physical). Do something, create something, bake something, read a book, zone out for a bit, go for a walk, make tea. Moving myself from a sticky cycle of rumination and over-analysing everything, to focusing on something completely different (insert a John Cleese Monty Python segue.. and now, for something completely different).
Honestly though, small gestures go a long way.
This is your first step, your starting point. Do something just for you, right now. Whenever things start getting wobbly, do something for you.
Call a time out. Sit down, drink tea. The world won’t fall apart in the next 5 minutes, even though your mind will do it’s best to convince you otherwise, because hey, you are the main care taker of a little human being. That’s a huge responsibility, it’s fucking massive. So, drink tea.
Track your cycle, this is the second step, and this will be the game changer. This might feel really hard to prioritise, but you’ll start in increments by jotting down a few words, key elements or feelings about your day in a journal, while also stating what day you are at in your cycle (Day one is your first day of bleeding). Do this in the evening when you have a moment of peace, and that cup of tea handy. Again, a little goes a long way. Just write a few lines to start with.
This is an incredibly loving way of putting yourself first. Tracking your cycle and keeping a journal of when your bleed begins, observing your energy levels, and emotional patterns throughout your cycle will without a doubt, open up a new world for you in time. This practice has been, and still is, ground-breaking for me.
Over time, you will get to know yourself better, and I swear by this. I started tracking my cycle about 6 months after I separated from my daughter’s father, so I have been tracking for the last 9 months now. Tracking has really helped me understand my own needs, how to sit easier in really challenging emotions (recognising the movement of emotional states) and learning to accept myself more deeply as I am, while being a single mum to a then 2 yr old, getting my business up and running again after being in hiatus when I was deep in the transition from maiden to mother. It’s a lot.
Cycle tracking also helped me to better reach out for support and create a really good support system around me. Once you know yourself better, you’ll know what your needs are, and what you don’t need in your life.
There are a few things you may need reminders of though, like have your basic needs been met? I still forget a tonne of things, and I still do to this day. I need to remind myself to eat and to let myself off the hook – regularly. Some habits are hard to break, but that’s okay. All in good time.
- How did you sleep?
- Have you been eating frequently?
- Have you had a shower?
- Have you held yourself to an impossibly high standard?
Tracking your cycle will show you the subtle shifts that are happening within you. If you ever feel worried about remaining stuck in depressive or negative thoughts, cycle tracking and journalling over a month or two, will start showing you that emotions do move, even when they feel stagnant.
If you don’t see much movement in your emotional state, you have now assessed something really important about what you need. This is vital. I didn’t do this journey alone, and neither should you, so I encourage anyone to seek help and advice from professionals when needed.
My hope for you through cycle tracking, is that you will feel less ‘trapped’ in challenging emotional states, or at the very least, you’ll feel like you have a new sense of choice through the good work you have done to become more self-aware.
You will also be more aware of when you really need to rest and take more time for yourself (right before you bleed and during), and when you’ll generally have more energy (during and right before ovulation). But there isn’t a one-size fits all. Your experience is your experience, which is why your cycle is unique to you. You live to the beat of your own drum.
I am currently day 13 and I have been feeling low over the last few days.. and you know what, I am close to ovulation, so technically I should be feeling at my highest. That’s not always the case, so what this tells me is, that every cycle is unique. It makes me question where I may have overextended myself already, and what I can do to rest.
I also know and acknowledge that I haven’t had a proper break from parenting in weeks. This evening, I have one night to myself and I have committed myself to an all-important burger and comedy night with my dad, accompanied by wine in good company or cups of tea – ad libitum.
Now, my sleep has also been all over the shop because my daughter keeps wanting to sleep in my bed halfway through the night, and even though I love cuddles, I don’t care much for being kicked in the back and slammed in the face with an elbow at 2 am, in the morning. Or the bedroom door slamming from the draught after I had finally reached that sweet lucid dream state, to then being fully awake again.
Anyway, during my sleepless nights, I have been thinking about all the other mums, single or not, who are out there, going through similar experiences, and I wanted to add these things to the ‘help list’ so hopefully, other mothers don’t feel so alone in their journey and can also feel a sense of hope with creating small, loving steps towards self-care.
This is what has helped me, over time. There is no time limit, do what feels right for you, when you can.
A little goes a long way, I keep telling myself this.
A little goes a long way Helplist:
Track your cycle, this is the first step. This might feel really hard at first, but you’ll start in increments by putting your needs first when whenever possible. Keeping a journal of when your bleed begins, observing your energy levels, emotions and patterns throughout your cycle, will help you in getting to know yourself better, thus creating a better support system around you through healthy self-care practices, setting boundaries and reaching out to trusted friends and loved ones for support. Once you know yourself better, you’ll know what you need, and what you don’t need in your life.
Hobby. Take up a daytime hobby, because most evenings will probably be out for you, unless you have family and friends that can help. Daytime hobbies can be really good, because you connect with different people from all walks of life. I found that to be my expereince in the art class I attended for a while. I learnt that everyone has their struggles, and we all enjoyed communing over tea and paint, taking the sometimes blunt edge off of life, with a healthy dose of sharing and laughter. While making stuff.
Exercise. Some form of exercise. This is coming from someone who doesn’t even run for the train. Swimming is good and usually a cheap option as well. The water element can be really soothing and calming for the nervous system, so it can be a gentle option, if the emotions are feeling a bit wobbly. You don’t need to push yourself too hard either, unless you want to. It’s important to enjoy what you do, there’s no point in adding more rigid routines that you can’t commit to. Another plus with swimming pools is that they may have a sauna or wellness element attached, like a spa. I have found that to be particularly good to regulate my own nervous system regularly, so I don’t lose my shit. Gyms are a choice as well, but I personally enjoy the flexibility of a non-committal workout like swimming or walking (with headphones and my favourite tunes, podcast or audiobook), so I can go when I actually want, and need to.
Set boundaries, set boundaries, set boundaries.. Define your space and let it be known. Naturally, sometimes we need to be flexible with certain boundaries and adapt to various situations or emotions that are being expressed, but try to stick to them as best as you can. I had to put tougher boundaries in place with my 3 yr old, after she started becoming quite abruptive, with yelling, screaming and slamming doors. I was NOT feeling good about what I was witnessing, and neither was my daughter - clearly. Lucky for me, I had a brain storm with my dad, and I came to realise that I wasn’t being firm enough. Boundaries ARE good, however, remain open in certain situations. If my girl is not managing herself very well and is having a huge tantrum over something minor (keeping in mind to question if she is tired or hungry?), I will take certain privileges away from her. It’s really important that I keep a tight ship to a degree, not just for me, but for her as well. I am doing this solo, after all.
Routine goes hand in hand with boundaries. Bedtime routine, chores, morning routine etc, both for your kid/kids and yourself.
Reading books has often gotten me out of my own head, whether it is something stimulating like a biography or some kind of self-help/psychology book, or a good story for the sake of it. I read a lot of chick-lit for a while, while working through the early days of single parenting. I was worn out, tired, upset and needed respite in a world that offered a gateway to something a bit lighter and hopeful.
Communicate, reach out. Find other people in a similar boat as you. People who you feel will understand you and the situation you are currently in. Be as honest as you can be with them about where you are at. If you tell people you are okay when you aren’t, people will think you are okay and those who actually want to help, won’t know how to, because they think you are doing okay. We are doing each other a huge disservice by not being honest with people who we build trust with, when we really need the chance to let go and be held for a while. It’s normal. It’s completely okay to not have it all together. I honestly doubt we ever will.
Humour. Practice a good sense of humour. I am not talking about deflecting with humour, but in all honesty, a good dose of healthy humour takes the edge off. Sometimes absurdity can help, but don’t dismiss what you are feeling. Your feelings and your experience is absolutely valid.
To sum it all up, if you are a single parent, or maybe you feel alone in raising a child/children, it is natural that you are going to feel overlwhelmed at times. We are not meant to raise children on our own, so all we can do, is our best, all while finding healthy and loving ways to support ourselves (and each other) while we take on the massive responsibilty of raising little human beings.
It is my hope and wish for you that tracking your menstrual cycle will help you come home to your needs, so you can find ways to have your needs met, without the guilt or shame, that can be associated with taking time for yourself. Remember, we live in a predominantly unhealthy version of patriachal society, so rest and going slow isn't something that is naturally encouraged in our society. This is were the feminine needs to shine more brightly, to bring balance and restore equilibrium.
Go gently and wrap yourself in love and warmth - and put the kettle on while you are at it.
Feel free to share below. I am a big believer in sharing stories and experiences, allowing us to speak up about our journeys and learn from each other.
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